Sunday, January 24, 2010

Getting a Good Martini Out Nearly Impossible

I love martinis, but I almost never order one when I'm out because it's so difficult to get a good one. First of all the "dry" martini lobby has ruined the taste of a classic martini by causing the average bartender to believe that the appropriate amount of vermouth used in the drink is an amount insufficient to civilize the innate brutality of raw gin. Secondly, the extension of the appellation 'martini' beyond the ingredients indigenous to a classic martini—that is gin and vermouth—to include drinks made with vodka and a whole raft of peculiar and vaguely sissified beverages flavored with fruits and candies has eroded the integrity of the genre. Seriously, if you're going to drink one of those abominations you ought to at least have the decency to order it in a silly glass with an umbrella to warn passersby of the potential for noxious fruitiness. Worst of all to me though is the inability of modern bar staff to prepare a proper twist. The twists I see, and the twists I get when I'm moved to order one, are huge swatches of lemon containing virtual slabs of pith. These things do not impart any sophistication or subtlety to a proper martini. Instead they make for a bitter drink with a disagreeable appearance. Better to just build your own at home. Have a nice glass of wine when you're out. No one is likely to screw that up.

The little animation below is indicative of my experience. Enjoy.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dear Achmed

Achmed Fatwahd
Common sense advice for the Jihadist on a short fuse!

Q.      Allah’s blessings be upon you, Achmed, and upon your sons and their sons to the twelfth generation. I am troubled Achmed, and seek your counsel. I am come late to the fight, and while I am ready to tape explosives around my middle, to light the fuse, and to embrace the infidel in public places, I fear that my reward may not be as great as I had once hoped. (Forgive me, Allah, for doubting.) So many of our faithful brothers have gone to their reward already, before I was of age, before I had the chance to serve our cause, that I begin to wonder (have mercy on your insignificant servant) whether there will be sufficient virgins left for me to get my allotted 6 dozen. Even worse I fear that even were sufficient numbers of virgins available to populate my heavenly domicile, the stocks may have been so severely depleted by the brave warriors before me that the ones left to my humble allotment may not be so comely to look upon as those whose fate it might have been to be possessed by me had I been able to blow myself and sundry infidels to kingdom come some years ago. Can you give me some assurance, Achmed, that my virgins will be beautiful enough under their burkahs to make my sacrifice worthwhile? – Moahmahr.

A.      Moahmahr, you faithless pile of camel dung. Have you no shame? Is it not enough for you to have a noble cause for which to sacrifice your miserable life? Must you also insist that your heavenly virgins be comely? Be glad that you have been called to give your life for the cause, and that your glorious demise will bring honor to your family and death to the infidel. Knowing this should be reward enough for the faithful and committed brethren. But, as you are young and your faith yet imperfectly formed, I have some comfort for you. I myself, not wishing to tax Allah’s munificence have elected to trade my own celestial virgins for a single pole-dancing bimbo with with blond hair and enormous implants.